“He just can’t control his anger! He’s upset all of the time!” Whether a boy is acting out (fighting, yelling, throwing things, arguing) or just walks around with a sullen and hardened look on his face, most parents can easily tell when their son has a problem with his anger.
Anger is overt, easy to spot, and often expressed aggressively. But what is more difficult to recognize, especially when your son’s anger is getting him into trouble, is what is underneath that anger.
In my work with teenage boys I have a guideline that has yet to let me down: Anger nearly always covers up another emotion. While I am wary of saying “always” in most circumstances, in this case I’m pretty confident.
Anger is a very useful and socially accepted emotion for boys to show. Many of their role models, from athletes to movie stars, channel their anger toward physical feats or aggressive acts, and they are seen as being more “manly” for it. Anger is an empowering emotion which, on an instinctive level, is an emotional signal that something needs to change. Anger often gives people the energy they need to get things done, especially when it involves safety or setting boundaries.
Most boys are taught, “Don’t ever let them see you cry!”, and in some environments this is wise. But if anger is the only emotion a boy feels safe expressing, this can ultimately be very limiting and damaging for himself and those around him.
When I begin work with a boy with anger management issues, I assume from the start that somewhere along the line he has felt the need to be angry; that anger has served him in some way in his life. After working with a boy’s parents to set certain limits around safety and rule-breaking, we can begin to address the fear, sadness, and vulnerability that is underneath his anger.
Years ago I met a 15 year-old boy who was, on the surface, one of the most angry boys I had ever seen. He walked around with his shoulders hunched, fists clenched, arms tense, and with a stone-cold look on his face. Over time I came to understand why he had adopted this posture, even though underneath his hard shell he was kind and compassionate.
This young man had grown up in a dangerous neighborhood, was small as a child and therefore was picked on frequently, got into trouble, and spent some time in juvenile hall. With all of these things in mind it was easier to me to withhold judgment about his attitude and intimidating looks, realizing that he needed these things to survive in the past. He was really very hurt, afraid, and suspicious of most people, and it took a long time to gain his trust. Only after he had lived for several months in a safe and supportive environment (in this case a boys’ home) did he begin to soften his posture, smile more, and accept support from those around him.
These are things that he needed to learn through experience, not just intellectually.
Role models
So what can parents do to support their angry sons? First of all, parents need to become strong role models who appropriately express their own feelings. For this reason, I often prefer to work with families as a whole rather than with individual teenagers. Parents may be unintentionally teaching their kids to act out, and when this is the case family therapy can be more useful than individual work. If everyone in the family can learn to communicate, listen, and work together, progress is usually much faster and the improvements last longer.
Firm limits
Second, parents can learn to set firm limits, with clear consequences, rather than relying on their own anger and yelling to enforce family rules and expectations. I can help parents fashion a structure for the home that is consistent, supportive, and offers kids a feeling of safety and predictability, and this often reduces angry acting out in the long-term.
Communication
Third, talk to your son frequently. This involves learning how to communicate in a way that he can handle, not prying for information or just talking to him when he is in trouble. Even if you feel that your son has written you off and wants nothing to do with you, as a parent you are still the most important adult to him. Recognize that his anger covers up other emotions, and patiently seek to understand what is truly going on in his life.