Simple Strategies to Engage Your Child
– by Lauren Ogren, MFT –
You: “How was school?”
Your teen: “Fine.”
-Silence-
If this happens to you, you’ve probably felt frustration, tension and feelings of helplessness as your teen appears to give more attention to her smart phone than to her family. How can you get more than a one word response from your teen so you two can connect and build a more open and engaging relationship?
1. Ask open ended questions. Your teen is more likely to give that one word answer if you ask a question that allows it. Ask questions that require a more thoughtful answer. Questions such as “What did you do in your favorite class today?,” “Who did you sit with at lunch today?,” or “What was something funny that happened today?” can engage your teen by asking her to look back on her day and share more specific information. Also, these questions allow you as a parent to get a better idea of what or who is important to your teen at the moment.
2. Pop-culture. Popular culture is a pervasive force in most teens’ lives. Celebrities, fashion icons, sports heroes, music, video games and other cultural forces play a huge role in how teens create their identity and develop their own sense of who they are. You don’t have to be an expert in this: she already is. Ask about the latest style your daughter is wearing and where she got the idea; inquire into her opinion about the most recent sports scandal you’ve seen on the news; or be curious about the premise of your teen’s favorite video game. Allow her to share her opinion with you and you may be surprised at the conversation that follows.
3. Ask your teen to teach you something. Teenagers are experts in a number of topics that adults know nothing about. Make an effort to embrace your teen’s expertise and ask her how to work a new app, how to dance or create a new character in her favorite video game. Ask about the social hierarchy at her school or the meaning behind a new slang word that you heard on TV. What is important is to be genuinely curious and allow your teen to teach you something about a new topic. Not only will this engage your teen, but when your child is able to pass on new information to you, it builds healthy self-esteem.
4. Keep it teen-focused. Your teen is at a developmental age where the world revolves around her (have you noticed?). Her focus is very centered on herself and though it may be frustrating, it is an appropriate developmental milestone. You can use this to connect with your teen by inviting her to think about how an idea, subject, concept or activity will affect or impact her. Ask what your daughter would want to do as a family this upcoming weekend or ask how she would act if she were the teacher/boss/parent in a situation. Just inviting her to share her opinion on any topic opens the door for connecting and encourages your teen to think about new ways to relate to the world.
5. Model the behavior. We are all guilty of spending too much time on our phones, in front of the TV or computer and being generally too busy have face-to-face contact. If you want your daughter to engage with you, one of the most important strategies is to model the behavior yourself. When your spouse or significant other comes home, practice having more in-depth conversations about your days, with eye contact, and without electronic distraction, and encourage the family eat together as a family a few times a week to reconnect and to give an opportunity to engage with one another for a significant period of time.
Above all else, be ready to listen to what your teen shares with you. Engage with her through eye contact, ask follow up questions, and give your undivided attention. A simple “that sounds amazing/hard/frustrating/exciting. Tell me more,” can work wonders in fostering a lasting bond between you and your daughter.
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