Inspire and Energize Your Teen

– Setting the Stage for Inspiration –

This week I listened to the song “Waving Flag” by K’Naan. K’Naan is a Somali rapper and musician with an incredible story of overcoming adversity to achieve fame as an international superstar. His song was used as the theme for the 2010 World Cup, and it always gets me choked up, even five years later.

“Waving Flag” reminded me of what it takes to motivate young people to follow their passions, and it reminded me of how often we at Petaluma Family Therapy speak with parents who ask, “What can I do to inspire my child?”

While the answers to this question are as varied as the teens we work with, I can say confidently that one of the most inspiring things parents can do for teens is this:

Help them connect with something bigger than themselves, outside of the family.

So often, parents struggle to make the transition between being the primary source of attention, advice, information, and guidance for their young children to being the behind-the-scenes consultant, advisor, and supporter for their teenage children. Conversations deteriorate into tirades, nagging, or attempts to convince teens of what they “should” do rather than connecting them with what energizes and inspires them.

If your son acts like you don’t know what you’re talking about in regard to anything, if he wants to spend time with friends instead of family, this is your cue that an amazing and important shift is happening in his development: the shift from the family as the primary reference group to the outside world as his primary reference group. This developmental stage helps teens improve their ability to take in information from several diverse sources, which will eventually serve them much better than simply trusting that their parents know best.

Rather than fighting this trend, parents can help their teens by joining with the change and setting up opportunities for them to connect with supportive, inspirational role models and groups. Instead of pressuring teens to conform to parental expectations through lectures or threats, I’ve seen parents succeed the most by remaining present and attentive, and then working behind the scenes to set up opportunities for teens to become a part of something greater than themselves, to get feedback from the world at large instead of only from their parents. That might mean asking your daughter’s coach to take her aside for a heart-to-heart conversation about her talents and potential, it could be offering to splurge and pay for your son and two of his friends to go to a trade show together, or it could mean arranging a shadowing day at the office with a young adult who actually works in the field your daughter is interested in.

Moving away from “take my word for it” and toward “don’t take my word for it- go see for yourself” helps set the stage for inspiration and independence.

Help them connect with something bigger than themselves, outside of the family.

Look at the kids in the K’Naan video- their joy and camaraderie as they run and play with their peers, soaking in the music, the movement, the hope, the excitement. While obviously staged for the screen, I think the images speak to what teens want, what they long for, and what inspires them.

– Marcus Moore, MFT

 

 

*****