(and how to avoid anxiety…)
– by Marcus Moore, MFT –
I remember when I first learned how to ski as a young boy. I would try to stay in the middle of the ski slope, but I kept finding myself close to the edge where I would almost hit the trees. One day my instructor asked me what this was about, “Why do you keep turning toward the trees?” I said, “I don’t know. I don’t want to hit a tree, but I can’t help it.”
“Well,” my instructor said, “Let me go down the hill a little bit and watch you ski so we can try to figure this out.” He went down the hill to watch as I started down the slope again. As had been the case the past few times, I turned toward the trees at the edge of the slope. My instructor yelled, “Stop!” and, because I couldn’t stop, he told me to just fall down in the snow, and I did. I just narrowly missed a tree.
The Lesson
After my instructor took off his skis, came trudging up the hill, and gave me a hand up he said, “I figured out why you keep steering toward the trees. It’s because you’re looking at the trees! Every time you look at a tree your body automatically goes there. So if you want to stay away from the trees, don’t look at the them, look at the wide-open slope.”
This advice is really similar to the advice I would offer a parent or child who struggles with significant anxiety.
When you have anxiety, the more you focus on your feeling, especially if you’re trying to stop it, the more likely you are intensify the feeling. It’s like trying to avoid a tree on the ski slope. Your focus on your anxiety may naturally move you toward the very thing you are trying to avoid and make it a much larger problem.
Now, you’re probably thinking that you’ve heard advice like this before:
“Don’t focus on your problems, focus on the solution.”
“Keep your chin up.”
“Always look on the bright side.”
Statements like these can be decent advice, but if you or your child struggles with a great deal of anxiety, none of them quite go far enough. Someone with anxiety dreads both the content of their worries AND the physical sensation of feeling anxious. This sensation, namely the tightening up in one’s chest, sweating, or rapid heartbeat, is very unpleasant and is sometimes, ironically, reinforced through anxiety reducing techniques such as deep breathing, relaxation exercises, etc. This is because it’s really hard to think about a solution to anxiety while you are experiencing anxiety.
The more you try, the more you’re focusing on the feeling itself, and the more out of control you may feel.
My point is this: Even though breathing techniques and relaxation exercises can sometimes be helpful, if you find that you are increasingly focusing on the sensation of feeling anxious, I suggest you “aim for the middle of the slope” and try focusing instead on what’s happening around you. Practice mindfulness; intentionally redirect your focus.
How to Redirect Your Focus
Redirect focus by actively and intentionally paying attention to your five senses as they relate to what is happening in and around you in the present moment. For example, if you’re in a restaurant and you find yourself worrying about things like, “Is everybody looking at me?” “Did I spill something on my shirt?” “Am I acting weird?” then reduce these feelings of anxiety by instead focusing on what’s happening around you. If one of your friends is talking, then look intently at her face and listen to every word that she’s saying. Try to catch the humor, laugh with the jokes, ask questions and become engaged with the other person. Let yourself, your anxiety, and your concerns go.
Once you are able to redirect focus, you can engage in an active process of getting out of your head and in touch with the world around you.
The advantage of refocusing on the world around you instead of focusing on relaxation techniques or breathing exercises is that once you get outside of yourself, the anxiety naturally goes away.
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Resources (links)
Dr. Aaron Beck: Video Interview
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Marcus Moore, MFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist working with teens and families in Petaluma, CA.
Petaluma Family Therapist is a group of licensed therapists serving adults, couples, teens, and families in Sonoma County. We offer help with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, social skills issues, family conflict, and more.
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Photo Credit: FreeImages.com, Ned Horton
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