– by Jessica Gray –
When you first held that bundle of joy wrapped in her little blanket, you were overcome with love and joy. Your child represented new life, a new opportunity and your life’s biggest responsibility. As you navigated the late nights, the early mornings and the first years of walking, talking, preschool and kindergarten, you often reminded yourself that things would get easier. She would grow and become more independent and you would FINALLY be able to take a deep breath and relax…
So, now as your teen works her way through middle school or high school, you probably find yourself wondering just how it is that you are even more worried today than you were in those first days. When did she become so sure she knew more than you? Why does she roll her eyes when you tell her you love her? Why won’t she JUST DO HER HOMEWORK?
Parenting teens presents a wide variety of very unique challenges. The two main issues are:
- She thinks she knows everything.
- She still has a lot to learn.
So, how do you help her start down the road of independence, allowing her to spread her wings, while still remaining involved? The hardest part of all may be deciding how much responsibility she can handle and when she will need support. You will also be challenged to decide on appropriate and fair consequences when she does not handle her responsibilities…. Something that all teens will, obviously, resist.
The first step toward moving into her newfound independence will be becoming accountable. Accountability means that she must be able to explain her actions and face the consequences for those choices. In short, excuses aren’t accepted. This is a mark of adulthood and a transition that will likely require patience and persistence on both of your parts.
How can accountability be taught?
Well, the simplest way to teach accountable is to give responsibility and then create consequences for her. Those consequences can be positive or negative. Some will be natural and some can be set by you. Whatever the case, it is important that she learn that her choices determine the results.
Consequences should be…
- Time specific. You need to tell her, and not waver, exactly how long the consequence will last. She needs to believe it you when you say “2 weeks.”
- Task specific. A consequence can involve taking her phone, for example, but she should also learn that falling behind on her responsibilities (or failing to handle them at all) will have natural consequences. For instance, I am a writer. If I know all week that I have an assignment due and I wait until the night before that work is due to start, there will be consequences related to my workload, my stress level and my client satisfaction. For that reason, she should face natural consequences for her actions. That could mean an F on a paper or missing a party so that she can get to work on a project. You may not be able to create these consequences BUT you can avoid helping her too much or trying to somehow lessen the blow. For example: Don’t do her work for her, don’t call her teacher and ask for an extension, and don’t allow her to make excuses for her behavior. Expect HER to fix her own mistakes.
- Connected to the original behavior. Consequences should be logical. In the previous point, I mentioned the phone. For most teens, their phone is a symbol of independence, freedom and socialization. So, it’s a convenient thing to take away, if need be. However, if her phone does not have much to do with the original behavior, then you aren’t teaching her about how the world works. Her boss won’t take her phone if she is late with her presentation. Consider what natural consequences might arise from her behavior and either allow them to play out or create them for her.
Example scenario:
She has been asked to clean the house before she can visit friends. She got home from school before you were back from work, called and told you she had done her chores, and then asked if she could go to see her friends. You get home to find that she has done almost none of her chores. What do you do?
Consider what would happen in the real world – If she left work early without handling her duties, would her boss yell at her and take her phone? Probably not. He would, however, likely ask her to come back in later that evening or early the next morning to complete that work, write her up and maybe even dock her pay. So, you might consider calling her and telling her to come home, asking her to finish her chores, “writing her up” (make a note of the issue and have her sign it), and after a certain number of these she should have a larger consequence that is connected to the issue at hand such as restricting her time away from home until she demonstrates more attentiveness to her responsibilities. Expect resistance, but don’t give in. Your consequences should be carefully thought out ahead of time, not reactive, so that you can stick to your word without facing the dilemma of whether or not to follow through on a harsh statement.
Appropriate consequences are an absolute must. However, it is also very important that you are attuned to her emotions, behaviors and specific personality. She is not done growing yet. She will make impulsive choices and, yes, even lie to you. Just as when she was a baby, however, treat her with love and patience. She is looking to you (even if she doesn’t want you to know it) for guidance and support.
Resources:
http://www.more4kids.info/469/teaching-teens-accountability-and-responsibility/
http://www.empoweringparents.com/Consequences-Dont-Work-for-My-Teen-Here-Why-and-How-to-Fix-It.php
Jessica Gray is a freelance writer and mother of 2 living in North Carolina. She has degrees in Sociology and Elementary Education as well as a background in Women’s Studies and English. She has worked with kids and teens of all ages across many settings, both as a social worker and a teacher.
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